Fireflies -- Warriors RPG

General Category => Character Creations => Character Library => Topic started by: Tiku on November 25, 2012, 03:06:13 am


Title: Re: windstorm of windclan
Post by: EVERLASTiNG on November 25, 2012, 12:27:16 pm
(http://static1.glowtxt.com/data1/3/9/5/3958c58bd56b0aa05335f9f9873c3b46d506bb54da39a3ee5e6b4b0d3255bfef95601890afd80709da39a3ee5e6b4b0d3255bfef95601890afd80709d2971dc135535ace0b0fc37c74248fc5.png)
Lovely bio. c:
Title: Re: windstorm of windclan
Post by: Tiku on November 25, 2012, 12:21:56 pm
bump

hows it look?
Title: Re: windstorm of windclan
Post by: EVERLASTiNG on November 25, 2012, 12:11:06 pm
It's kind of like this:

Brambleclaw's fur is very fluffy. Brambleclaw's ears are very fluffy. His tail is fluffy. He is very, very fluffy.

It's a collection of sentences that doesn't run smoothly.

Don't beat yourself up, plotter.
Title: Re: windstorm of windclan
Post by: Tiku on November 25, 2012, 12:04:30 pm
Bump?

Thats not the first time have been told that, what about them is choppy? i for the life of me could never figure it out and everyone just tells me choppy sentences 
Title: Re: windstorm of windclan
Post by: Ripeye on November 25, 2012, 10:17:49 am
I know.... I'm cr*p at this.... I always sucked at elementry... thats why you should do it Ev-Ev
Title: Re: windstorm of windclan
Post by: EVERLASTiNG on November 25, 2012, 10:08:37 am
Plotter, you have to tell them what the mistakes are, but don't tell them where.


Anyways, hi Tiku!
This bio looks amazing, but first you need to correct some things:

-- Would you mind going to the HP thread, located here (http://fireflies.createaforum.com/general-discussion/hps-and-their-rpers/?topicseen) to reserve Medicine Cat or their apprentice, seeing as the others are taken.
-- I see a few capitalization errors scattered throughout your bio.
-- You have some choppy sentences.

Please bump once you're done editing! :)
Title: Re: windstorm of windclan
Post by: Ripeye on November 25, 2012, 10:07:21 am
Quote
Appearance. Windstorm a silver tabby tom with white paws, a white muzzle and some white spots. He has a torn right ear and a scar running across his eye. He is considered to be small for his age and can be mistaken for an apprentice, with his short stubby legs. Don't be fooled by his seeming lack of muscle, He is slender and quick on his paws and even faster with his claws. The furry [Insert rank here] loves the winter, his thick fur was made for sleeping under the stars, even on the coldest of nights.
[ Must be over four sentences ]

Don't you mean 'Windstorm is a silver tabby'?

Title: Re: windstorm of windclan
Post by: Tiku on November 25, 2012, 10:03:46 am
bump
Title: Re: windstorm of windclan
Post by: Ripeye on November 25, 2012, 05:54:54 am
This is very good! Though check it over again for mistakes 'cause there is quite a few!
Title: windstorm of windclan
Post by: Tiku on November 25, 2012, 03:06:13 am
Name. Windstorm

Age. 15 moons

Alliance. Windclan

Rank. Medicine cat

Gender. Male

Appearance. Windstorm a silver tabby with minor white spots on his face and belly. He has a torn right ear and a scar running across his eye. As a full grown tom, He is considered to be small for his age and can be mistaken for an apprentice, With his short stubby legs. Don't be fooled by his seeming lack of muscle, He is quick on his paws and even faster with his claws. This medicine cat loves the winter, His thick fur was made for sleeping under the stars even on the coldest of nights.
[ Must be over four sentences ]

Personality. Windstorm is: fun loving, energetic, and most of the time a pleasure to be around. He does, However, have his moments when he might snap and hiss. This is not much of a worry to those who know him, Because when it comes to staying on his good side all you have to be sure of is that the actions irritating him, Aren't a threat to the beloved clan he was born to. When it comes to his clan and family, his loyalty is genuine.
[ Must be over four sentences ]

History.Windstorm was born into Windclan fifteen moons ago to a queen named skyblossom. For most of his life his top priority was to make his mother proud. That dream was ended when she was killed in front of him on a minor border skirmish with Thunderclan. He spent a long time blaming himself for her death "She was too old to be fighting, I should have known." Were the only words that he could ever say about the entire matter. He then dedicated his life to being the best medicine cat windclan has ever seen. Quite a few moons have passed since that vow, He still strives to be the best. [ Must be over five sentences ]

Role Play sample.
 
Unrelated to this bio.

 Tori sat in a pool of blood from his long hated rival, He gave the cat a killing bite and spat at him "Serves you right, mongrel" His meowed was full of hatred. He picked up the body and dragged it to a tree where he was sure the rats would get it. 'That's what you get for stabbing me in the back' He though to himself and turned around, His eyes met a pretty she-cat. His normally white fur was stained red, Blood dripping into pools at his feet. His side was torn up from the fight, Just moments ago. There was no use trying to cover it up, He looked like a monster, His green eyes were blazing with fury from the previous fight, Yet he only waved at her "Hello!" He called. [ Must be over four sentences ]